Almost naked. And definitely afraid.
As I was staring at my choices in the dressing room today for a post-baby-body-loving swimsuit, I was dealing with the notion of radical body acceptance. Immediately, I thought about this upcoming beach vacation and being photographed in a swimsuit and A LOT of anxiety bubbled up. I think I may have been thinking about this more than all of the incredible images I plan to take while we are there.
Like most photographers I know, I don’t especially love being in front of the camera and that displeasure is compounded by the idea of being in anything less than a turtleneck and long pants.
As I tried on and poo-pooed the fifth swimsuit, I realized that what I was dealing with here was less about the choice of garment and more about the choice of being seen. And I mean, really seen. So, here’s a little deal I made with myself. I would purchase the swimsuit that I felt the most comfortable in, disregarding the notion that it had to be cheap because I wasn’t in the body I was striving for and thus needed to earn (yuck, I’ve abandoned that nonsense) and I would take or have taken some images of myself in plain site in my suit. There will be no hiding in the water, or behind layers upon layers of clothes, or strategically positioned to distort my proportions, or edited during or in post. They are just going to be what they are. And I’ll share them here in a few weeks when I get back.
I mean, sheesh, if I strive to catch you in vulnerable moments, shouldn’t I be caught there too?
I understand you Clara, being in front of the camera sucks when you just want to be behind it.
Swim suits are hard, but I am sure you are going to rock it!
Enjoy the vacation, enjoy the moment and enjoy your body!!
I know it must be hard, I’m having some definite “moments” with my now changing, swelling body and can’t imagine what it’ll look like after baby, yeesh! But when I can connect back with my spirit and gratitude and intuition, I feel really alive, really beautiful, and don’t care about all my new chins and cellulite and cankles 🙂
In those most vulnerable moments is where we shine most, so it’s awesome of you to turn the lens back on yourself and share it. I bet you’ll come back with photos of you looking so blissed out happy in mamaland, in one of the most beautiful places on earth, that you’ll be able to see your spirit shining through your smile, see your body as evidence of the journey you’ve taken so far, beaming with beauty through all its imperfections. Our bodies are just stories we get to interpret, and to me, yours says that you’re so loved, and lucky, and strong, and that’s always beautiful.
Thanks Jena! You are spot on and as always, articulate and precise with your lovely words. 🙂 Accessing this wisdom is my task in the moment as well as in the evidence of it!
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